Monday, February 06, 2006

Feeling Salieri

There lies in front of me the opportunity to do something really good - something that could be of real benefit to others. It also could be of real benefit to me. Finding this opportunity has meant having one meeting after another with people in good suits. I will confess only to you, dear readers, that on the occasion of each of these meetings, I was wearing a brand new outfit. I am not a compulsive shopper; I just thought it would be more impressive if I didn't wear my Only Good Suit ay every meeting. For the first time in my life, I own dress shoes in more than one color. When I focus on how I could benefit others with this new career move, I am filled with 100 percent confidence juice. The creativity and goodwill just burst forth like fireworks of sunshine and starlight emanating from my chest cavity. Then I start to think about how I could benefit. I start to think about how I have to benefit in terms of making a a living, and that starlight starts to fizzle. I begin to wonder just who the hell I am kidding, pretending to be a grownup over here. I remember suddenly the time my father told me he was not going to pay for dance classes because I never followed through with anything I started. I was 10, and my dad was a prick, yes, but the part of me that believed what he thought of me still exists deep in my head, where she apparently still believes an overthrow is possible. The answer, of course, is to simply approach this vocation from a purely outward-motivated center, rather giving in to the temptation of becoming an anxious, inward-obsessed heap of bubbling failure-in-progress. How do you do that?


Anonymous peripateticpolarbear said...

Oh, I don't know how you do that,other than shutting off the radio station in your head that plays only oldies.

10:07 AM  

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