Saturday, January 14, 2006

Ass blood, but not mine

Let me begin by cautioning everyone that, if you are a human being, and you experience anything that could even remotely be described as "ass blood," you need to seek immediate medical attention. Yes, it's probably just hemorhoids or something else that will require an embarrassing trip to the pharmacy for a product that is (naturally!) packaged in a bright yellow box that can be identified from all the way across the prairie. But you need to check. If, however, you are a dog, and you start evacuating blood from your two major holes - those being the mouth and the ass - it may not be that big a deal. That was how I started my Tuesday morning, with a dog who, after a day of being sick to her stomach and generally moping, suddenly began crapping and barfing blood. I assumed that this was the end of her life, so as I wrapped her in a towel and gave my son frantic instructions to watch his sister, I started planning how I was going to tell my husband that his little dog had died because I had not taken her to the vet the day before. We're using a new vet right now, so I had never the met doctor who examined our baby, Zuzu. She was extraordinarily thorough, asking about any possibilities that the dog had gotten into rat poison or antifreeze. Antifreeze? What's that? We don't use that here, as far as I know. She looked in her eyes, felt her ears and belly and lifted her furry tail to look at her backside, where the white fur was streaked with blood. Then she smelled my dog's ass. With purpose and concentration, the way a wine connoiseur puts his nose into a glass. She told me her expert senses detected both blood and feces. Ladies and gentlemen, I've had jobs that sucked. I've had jobs that made me want to kill myself or someone else. I've had jobs that made me cry all the way there and back. But I have never had a job that required me to smell a dog's ass and make a diagnosis. The diagnosis was HGE. And although it can be life-threatening because of the sudden onset, rapid dehydration and blood loss, Zuzu's case was not severe. She stayed in the hospital for a couple of days on IV fluids and antibiotics, and that was that. Best of all, I didn't have to tell my husband that my negligence doomed his darling little princess. OTHER HIGHLIGHTS - We gave found renters for our Florida house, and although we are charging them significantly less than what we could probably get, they are friends with a baby on the way, and I won't have to go through any kind of management company or Realtor. And they keep a much cleaner house than I ever could, so the peace of mind is well worth it. - Yoga, baby! I attended a yoga class because, from the memo I got, apparently it is required of every woman between 25 and 75 that, within the first month of the new year, you must engage in at least one humiliating and disspiriting physical activity from which you cannot escape halfway thorugh class. The best part - the VERY BEST PART - is that as I was approaching the stairs that lead to the classroom, I saw two of my son's good friends, a young man and a young woman, who also were in the class. They said Hi, I said Hi, then we waited uncomfortably in the hallway for the kickboxing class to wrap up. Neither of the two options open to me - to stay and make a fool of myself in the class, or to run away like a little bitch - were very appealing. I stayed. There also was the matter of my mat. Doing pilates and other mat-centered exercises in the past, I found that those thin mats tended to hurt my spine and tailbone. More embarrasingly, they caused my feet to sweat during the warrior pose et al, and I spent so much energy trying not to slide around on my mat that I couldn't much focus on breathing at the right times and letting go of all my competitive urges, remembering that what I did yesterday is not what I can do today, and what I can do today is not what I can do tomorrow. So I have a thicker mat - a mat that suddenly seemed like the equivalent of bringing a Brussel's sprout sandwich to the middle school lunchroom. I was so uncool.

2 Comments:

Anonymous peripateticpolarbear said...

Oh I am so sorry about the pupdog and happy that she's okay!

12:49 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

glad to hear that Zuzu is ok. Man, I would hate to put my nose up to a dogs ass. It's bad enough to change a dirty baby diaper.

7:13 AM  

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