Thursday, May 12, 2005

Modern maturity spots

Yesterday I went for my annual ritual of getting nekkid for my dermatologist and letting him cut off whatever he likes. (Usually nothing - and so far nothing serious.) The ritual is made somewhat more awkward by the fact that I know him in a peripherally social manner. He is very close friends with a very close friend of mine, thus we both know a lot about each other. And, oh yeah, he sees me nekkid once a year. I always get the feeling that I am not the kind of patient he prefers, although he is an exceptional physician and has a warm bedside manner. Your dermatologist plays Prince while he's examining your back, right? I go in and point to things that I worry might kill me. I think he prefers the kind of patient who wants to be preserved or restored as she was when she won the Miss Sweet Corn Pageant and the captain of the football team got fresh with her behind the bleachers. Across the hall from the doctors' suite, there is a cosmeceutical shop which purveys $130/bottle moisturizer and the like. The culture shock between my oncologist's office and this office is great. "Do you have a lotion that would make my mediport look more youthful?" Anyhoo, I was pointing to various things, and he was shaking his head, saying, "No, that won't kill you." I pointed to a patch on my arm that is perhaps as big as my pinky fingernail bed that, a couple weeks ago, looked sort of flaky and peeled. I thought it could either have been a little burn from boiling water that splashed on my arm , or fatal skin cancer. Turns out it is a MATURITY SPOT!!!!! On my arm. I am 36 years old. I am not ready for this. Please Dr. Grey, PRESERVE ME. Put me in a giant tub of $130 moisturizer. Hit me with your lasers and lotions. Make me look like I did when I was 5 - I think that was really my prime.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I have one patient, who also had a hysterectomy, who was going through the same thing," he said. "It worked for her, but she was abusing it. She came in telling me about how she was hurting her husband and none of the fence posts in the neighborhood were safe. And she had acne."

I've been looking at & enjoying your blogs for a few weeks now. I started reading from the beginning tonite, and laughed (especially at the above) and felt a little weepy. I'm passing your blog on to some friends...

Stay well.

8:45 PM  
Blogger PPB said...

I think that 8 was my prime.
Let me know how that moisturizer works.

7:20 PM  
Anonymous Rob M said...

This is a great post. You post on serious subjects; fear, aging, attractiveness. But you do so with such grace and good humor that somehow it doesn't seem quite so terrifying, and I find myself chuckling in the end. Kudos to you on being able to write like that.

6:39 AM  

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