Friday, January 28, 2005

Jesus wants me to learn algebra

Hey kids, today's lesson is: Stay in College! Even if you get knocked up, get married, get divorced, get married again and start working at the job for which your college education supposedly is training you. Stay in school. Because you never know if, maybe one day 12 years later, you'll realize that, although you are remarkably qualified to do the job you have anywhere in the country, you are not remotely qualified to do ANYTHING ELSE. So stay in school, and don't do drugs. And drink your milk -- seriously, osteoporosis is a terrible scourge. Yesterday I went to talk to an adviser at the University of Second Chances here in town, and he spent the first half hour or so telling me how much he likes my writing, how he's a big fan and everything. He also introduced me to one of the Chinese professors (he IS Chinese; he doesn't teach Chinese), and the two of them promised to arrange an invitation for our family to the local Chinese-American organization's Chinese New year celebration. Score! But back to the business at hand. Looking at my previous academic accomplishments, it seems that if I can just take care of a couple of pesky math courses (my adviser promises that the "math for liberal arts majors" class is as easy as 3.14. HA! MATH HUMOR!), I will be a junior. I will be stuffing those little freshmen in their lockers and hazing my sorority sisters! My plan is to major in Interdisciplinary Humanities. That way, I'll have a bachelor's degree, and STILL not be qualified for anything. But I'll be really annoying at parties. I chose IH because Communication Arts is one of the available disciplines, and I am going to attempt to test out of as many credits as possible using my wealth of corporate experience as my teacher. I'll show them how the University of Gannett taught me to do it. Bitch. That will leave two disciplines, and I will focus on Religious Studies and Philosophy. See what I mean about being annoying at parties? It would be nice if I can manage to graduate at the same time Xerxes graduates from high school in 2007. Otherwise, I'll have to be a senior when he is a freshman, and that'll just be uncomfortable. Plus, I'll have to stuff him in a locker.

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